I often feel like I'm exploding

I often feel like I’m exploding.

My universe cracks open and some new THING oozes through the cracks or floats like dispersing lint, or seers me with warmth the way the sun feels when you step into it while moving away from a cold spot.

I know I’ve been a slow learner
?
Slow to mature.
Slow to understand what I think everyone else understands.

I’ve always felt like there are a group of ‘knowing’ people or persons..humans who know things, who understand things like loving, feeling, gravity, being, living; things I’ve struggled to understand, they ‘know’ these things, its like common knowledge to them, they practice these things as if it were as easy as drinking water, and I don’t like drinking water. I’m in my 40’s now and I’m still amazed at the people who ‘know’. I’m convinced they speak a secret language. One of them may say to another, “Yeah, it's difficult being outside today, it's so hot”, and there will be a pause, and lowering eyes, and some deep breaths before the other person says, “I know, its difficult”. And I’m positive they were talking about existential feelings of BEING and I’m listening, not able to get past the ‘it's so hot’ part.

I want to know this language.

I’m drawn to those who do.

Every time I’ve confronted someone who I think speaks the secret language of knowing, they deny it, they say they don’t know what I’m talking about, of course, I don’t believe them.

Now that we are all trapped inside, my mind is spinning and my stomach feels the edge of nauseous, I’m trying to make this a moment where I can devote some time to knowing. I pitched a tent in the backyard, filled it with pillows and sturdy outdoor blankets. My cat Potato loves the tent, he stands at the entrance of it and waits for cats or humans to join him, he takes the best naps when there is another soul next to him.

I sit in the tent and read and then look at my Instagram account and then read again, and then attempt taking notes but then get annoyed by our lack of technology in 2020 that should allow me to take digital notes on a physical 3-dimensional book. And then I search for any possibly note-taking apps that can verge image and handwritten text and well typed commentary, but there isn’t such a thing (if you know of an app that does this, DM me). Then I go back to Instagram and then I spend some time on GIPHY and then I eat. Who knows if my knowing has increased or matured.

My partner Brady speaks the knowing language. When she gets home I’ll ask her if I make any more sense today than I did yesterday.