¿Cuanto Cuesta?

 ¿Cuanto Cuesta?

I don't take anything for granted

everything is earned

everything is justified 

the value is set

the cost paid

the cost

Cuanto Cuesta?

I was raised in a world where my presence and existence had to always be reasoned out 

why are you here 

who invited you 

do you know the owner 

I'm always paying 

I'm going around calculating the expense of a look, a smile, a handshake, a hug, a kiss, a fuck, a relationship….

each step is weighed; 

the measure of a thigh-knee-ankle-hip-bone and its equivalent in visibility 

a tag-reference-name drop-letter of recommendation 

Cuanto Cuesta?

I'm earning my keep but I'm not sure who's my boss

I'm wasting my time, holding space for that white chick's purse

I'm paying the expense for someone else's experience

I'm generating the lived knowledge for the next text book on marginalized queer Xicana old ladies who used to have achievable dreams 

¿Cuanto Cuesta?

I leave my house with good intentions; holding my own space, 

loving myself, 

forgiving my parents, 

acknowledging the ancestral trauma, 

staying truthful and honest with my own desires...

but then,

all it takes is one gringa like a black hole sitting in a chair

all it takes is one westernized man making assumptions

it takes the end of May to remind me I'm out of a job

taking me to the end of my rope

to the end of my ride

my hope 

is gone

se vaya

se fue

I want to decide 

and make a decision 

to quit feeling like my life needs to be measured 

I want to be active and pro my life

and right now I don't have the means

I spent all my value on paying for my presence up to now

and I'm thinking of reaching in 

real deep 

to carve at the remaining marrow of energy I may still possess 

to pay for a way out of this cycle 

at the moment though it looks like I don't have anymore left to give 

except a heaving last minute effort to push my children off this scale 

so they can float